I’ve never come on social media looking for pity, cloaking my victimization in some transactional event of the day, and I’m not doing that now.
But I have to tell my truth or else I feel disingenous, and the times that I DO have fun — and I do, lots! — seem like a smokescreen, which they are not.
When I’m not gallivanting the world, I am pretty much confined to bed with crippling anxiety. I had an event in November, a neurological event, which, according to brain scans and extensive testing, fried a lot of my central nervous system. I’ve always been high-strung, but this brought it to a whole new level.
What precipitated this, you may ask? I had been prescibed an anti-anxiety medication for the past 24 years….incidentally the amount of time I have been sober. I tried to wean myself off of it, without a doctor’s supervision. I went too fast. I was, as I know now from my symptoms and what the experts have told me, pre-stroke, and possibly had a seizure.
I’ve been so scared of being judged, I’ve kept this to myself. When in reality, I judge myself worse than anyone else could.
I am under the best care possible, and taking all the necessary steps as I recuperate, which could take a few more months. It’s a pretty boring daily road, so I don’t feel the need to share my recovery. Lots of supplements, tai chi, therapy, doctors’ visits, experts….yawn.
But the truth is important, especially if it can help someone else. I have days, many days in a row, where the thought of a shower makes me cry with fear. I wake up in the middle of the night, hot kidney juice squirting through my veins, my brain on fire with some imagined catastrophe. The adrenaline surges are the WORST. And my husband is a SAINT.
I’m so lucky, so blessed, with such an amazing life and incredible support. This is a physical reaction which affects my brain. I’m doing my best to get through this but time takes time.
Thanks to all who have been my backbone through this process, while my REAL backbone and the cables within it slowly become less frayed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.